B.G. Hilton – Author

Pulp Adventures 7: Lucy’s Shrink Ray

Lucy! You got some ‘splainin’ to do!

Scene 1: The Riccardos’ kitchen. The table is covered with electronic components. Lucy, dressed in a labcoat, is soldering bits and pieces together. Enter Ricky:

Ricky: Lucy? I’m home.

Lucy: Ricky! How did your show go? That new maraca player working out?

Ricky: Now Lucy, I’m not giving you that maraca job. You know I don’t want you working at the club. You should be working at home like this. Doing… Doing… Lucy?

Lucy: Yes?

Ricky: Lucy, what are you doing?

Lucy: Ricky, I gave up on being in your act at the Tropicana. So I’m going to do the next best thing: I’m going to make you a new sound system. Pass me that thermionic valve.

Ricky picks up a valve, moves to hand it to Lucy, then puts it down in annoyance.

Ricky: Lucy how are you making this? You don’t know anything about engineering.

Lucy: (pointing) I learned it from an educational show on TV.

Ricky looks where Lucy is pointing.

Ricky: Where is the TV?

Lucy: I took it apart to make the sound system.

Ricky: Ah, Lucy! Look, this is nice but… (Thinks. Gets idea) It’s too big. Sound systems, they are not as big as this anymore. You need to make something smaller.

Lucy: Smaller, eh? We’ll see about that!

Scene 2: A Science supplies shop. Complex looking electronic devices are piled up on every surface. The shopkeeper is a very elderly lady.

Shopkeeper: Can I help you, miss?

Lucy: Mrs.

Shopkeeper: Misses what?

Lucy: Mrs Riccardo.

Shopkeeper: You misses Riccardo? Well, gunsights are over there.

Lucy: No my name… Never mind. I’m trying to build a sound system but it’s too big. I need to make it smaller.

Shopkeeper: Sorry Mrs Gunsight, I can’t hear you. Let me use my hearing aid.

Lucy: About time.

The Shopkeeper produces a comically large ear-trumpet and puts it to her ear.

Shopkeeper: Say again, deary?

Lucy: I said, I have some electronics I need to miniaturise.

Shopkeeper: Electronic miniaturiser? Shrink rays are out back.

Lucy: No I don’t want something like that. (beat) Or do I?

Scene 3: An abstract void.

Ricky: Lucy? Lucy! Where on Earth are you?

Lucy: Ricky, I got bad news: we’re not on Earth at all.

Ricky: How do you know?

Lucy: I got the Earth right here.

Ricky: Oh, Lucy! You shrunk the Earth! With your ray? I don’t believe it!

Lucy: Don’t be angry, Ricky, I didn’t lose it.

Ricky: Isn’t shrinking it bad enough? Let me look… Hey! What happened to Cuba?

Lucy: What?

Ricky: It’s supposed to be here, next to Florida.

Lucy looks around for the missing Cuba. Ricky notices it, stuck to the back of her shirt. He peels it off, and with a grumpy look sticks it back in the Caribbean.

Ricky: That’s better. Now Lucy, we go to do something. We can’t be the only normal sized people on a tiny little world like this.

Lucy: Maybe we could be big people on a normal sized world?

Ricky: Now that won’t help. Where did you put the shrink ray?

Lucy: Now calm down, I know exactly where I left it.

Ricky: That’s good. Where?

Lucy: (pointing at North America) Right there.

Ricky: Oh, Lucy!

Lucy: Now, wait a minute I got a magnifying glass right here.

Ricky: Why do you have that in your pocket?

Lucy: So I can see the housekeeping money you give me. Let me have a look… Aha, here it is. I must have dropped it outside of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Ricky: Can we fix it?

Lucy: If it ain’t Hoboken, don’t fix it.

Ricky: (quiet) That was a little forced.

Lucy: (quiet) The classy thing would be to not draw attention. (normal voice) Okay, I just need a fine tool and I can put the lever into reverse. That should fix things.

Ricky: Okay… (pats pockets) I got a pipe cleaner.

Lucy: Okay that’ll do. Here we go… Whoops.

Ricky: Whoops what?

Lucy: I think I just ruined Hoboken City Hall.

Ricky: How can you tell?

Lucy: Ah here it is. Full sized Earth, here we come!

Camera zooms in on Earth as it begins re-enlarging.

Scene 4: The Riccardo’s living room. Lucy and Ricky are sitting at the card table with Fred and Ethel Mertz. The Mertzes sit motionless and stiff.

Lucy: Well, we fixed everything.

Riccardo: Everything? All life on Earth was at the wrong scale to metabolise normal scale air molecules. Everyone is dead, and we are alone, spiraling into madness.

Lucy: At least we have our friends. Right, Ethel?

Lucy runs behind Ethel and manipulates her jaw.

Lucy: (speaking as Ethel) That’s right, Lucy.

Ricky: (shakes head) Oh, Lucy!

Applause, credits.

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B.G. Hilton - Author