Pulp Adventures 10: A Catastroph-ape
Cop 1: Oh no! That big ape has got another victim! We’d betta do somethin’!
Cop 2: Yeah, that’s easy to say. But we’re at the wrong window. We’re a floor down, and kinda off to the left.
C1: Our left or the gorilla’s left?
C2: We’re facing the same way, Frank.
C1: That guy’s in big trouble.
C2: Ya think?
C1: Gonna lose all his spare change, the way that monkey’s shakin’ him.
C2: Yeah, that’s it, Frank. That’s the problem. Ya hit the nail on the head, again. Spare change. Gone.
C1: Whaddid I do now?
C2: I just don’t think I you appreciate how serious this is.
C1: I dunno. It’s kinda funny if you think about it. I mean, how did that ape even get there? Why is he trying to peel that poor guy’s finger like it was a banana? Don’t he know the difference between a finger and a banan—Oh! Man, that’s a lot of blood.
C2: Yeah, well, being held upside down prolly ain’t helpin’. We should get to a closer window.
C1: We got a pretty clear view from here.
C2: Yeah, but what if we gotta do somethin’?
C1: We could shoot the ape with our guns, right? Well, you could. I think I left mine back at the station.
C2: We could do that, sure. But do you see the problem with that particular strategy?
C1: We might not have enough bullets to kill a gorilla? I heard you need at least eight.
C2: Well, that’s… What?
C1: Eight. And one gun’s only got six, so…
C2: You think there’s a specific number of bullets required to kill a gorilla?
C1: Yeah. Eight.
C2: You don’t think where you hit it, or what kinda gun…
C1: Ah, for the love of Pete, what’s the ape doin’ to that guy’s face?
C2: Don’t change the subject. You think there’s like some kind health bar over every living thing, and you need to hit it with the exact right number of bullets?
C1: The health bar or the living thing?
C2: Of course the living thing, genius, who shoots a health bar? Oooh, there goes his arm.
C1: Look, obviously how many times you shoot something matters, otherwise… Oh, hello.
Accountant: (entering) Hello, officer. Officers. What are you doing in my office?
C2: Well, sir, there’s a gorilla on the 15th floor…
C1: Hey, officers… in the office. Officers. Office. Sounds kinda the same.
A: The words come from a similar meaning. An officer is one who holds office, you see… Holy crap! What is happening to that man!
C1: We don’t got an office. We share a desk at the station, but it’s in a big, open…
A: That poor man! Oh, God what’s happening to him? Do something!
C2: Nah, nah, see when he says ‘hold office,’ it’s like a metaphor, see.
A: This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening!
C1: Hold on, hold on… That ain’t no metaphor. It’s a metonym.
C2: Are you friggin’ kiddin’ me? You think it takes precisely eight bullets to kill a gorilla, but somehow you know the difference between a metonym and a metaphor?
A: Give me your gun!
C2: Sir, you are a civilian…
A: Just give me the gun! I’ll shoot it myself!
C2: You might hit the man he’s holding…
A: You think he’s still alive? He’s like a bleeding rag doll, for God’s sake. If he is alive, shooting him would be a mercy!
C1: Now hold on, let’s not go down that path. The Pope clearly said…
C2: Ugh, we doin’ this again, Frank? You ain’t even Catholic.
C1: Yeah, but that don’t mean…
A bloodied gorilla arm reaches through the window, and pulls the screaming accountant out. Cop 1 and Cop 2 watch with mild interest.
C1: Well, the ape’s closer, at least.
C2: Yeah, there’s that. Saves us a walk upstairs, am I right?
