B.G. Hilton – Writer

Pulp Adventures 9: The Electric Shower

A man in a spacesuit, standing next to a woman in a ball gown, who appears to be being pelted with electric rays by a space alien.
Call now!

Gloria: Hi, I’m Gloria.

Marty: And I’m Marty.

Together: We’re the inventors of… the ELECTRIC SHOWER!

Audience: (applause)

M: Do you every get sick of slow, inefficient water showers?

A: (enthusiastic agreement)

G: Ugh. I know I do! Always having to take ALL your clothes off. And then you get water all over the tub! It’s a nightmare!

M: And that why we invented this ELECTRIC SHOWER!

G: Let’s show them how it works, Marty!

M: I’d be glad to. But first, let me put on my protective suit.

G: Why?

M: Because the… the thingy is… The lawyers… No reason! Anyway, you’d better get undressed.

A: (cheers)

G: No need. With the ELECTRIC SHOWER, you can shower almost fully dressed!

A: (aww)

M: Pipe down, you pervs! (ahem) Almost fully dressed?

G: Well, obviously you need to keep your armpits uncovered. That just stands to reason.

M: Well, obviously. So that grey ballgown will be fine. Now, we have a celebrity guest to help us with the showering.

G: (leering) Is it Nick Nolte?

M: No, it’s not… Wait, your celebrity crush is Nick Nolte? Okay, sure, takes all sorts… Where was I? Oh, no, it’s not Nick Nolte. It’s a sort of ET/Nessie looking creature.

G: Do you even know what a celebrity is?

A: (shouting in unison) STOP BICKERING, IT ISN’T FUNNY!

M: Okay, so ET/Nessie has turned on the power.

G: It feels tingly!

M: Thousands of miniature lightning bolts are electrocuting all the dirt, grime and sweat on your body.

G: (Coughing) It feels a little too tingly.

M: Don’t worry, you’re within safety limits.

A: (shouting in unison) WELL WITHIN SAFETY LIMITS?

G: (waggles hand) Somewhat within safety limits.

A: (sucking in of breath) GEEZE…

M: Wow, I can feel my skin get cleaner, even as it reddens.

Weird ET/Nessie Thing: And you don’t smell so bad anymore.

G: What the Hell are you? You give me the creeps. (Collapses)

A: (shouting in unison) WE SAW THAT COMING!

M: Shut up, or we’ll close down the buffet!

G: (Weakly) Don’t worry, folks, the ELECTRIC SHOWER  also functions as a defibrillator.

A: YAY?

 G: (Very weakly) How much… would you expect to pay…  (collapses again)

Weird ET/Nessie Thing: CLEAR!

M: (Removing mask to wipe off profuse sweat) …So there are a few teething difficul—

Smash cut to photo of operator.

VO: JUST THREE PAYMENTS OF $3453.58! CALL NOW! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!

Man yelling into a phone.

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