Pulp Adventure 4: Human Disposal
“Hello, police? I found a human, and it looks like it’s ready to blow.”
“Putting you through to the Human Disposal Squad now. *click* Human Disposal?”
“I’ve found an unexploded person.”
“Okay, we’re dispatching a unit. In the meantime, I’m going to need you to try to help me identify the device. Can you get a better look at the IHB?”
“Okay, I’ve removed the shirt… Oh my God! So many wires!”
“It’s okay, it’s okay. I need you just to take a deep breath and relax. Are you doing that?”
“Yes.”
“Describe what you see.”
“Device is a white male. Lots of wires. Metal plate over genitals.”
“Is there a sort of metallic tree-thing over the torso?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, this is important… The lips. How would you describe the lips?”
“Uh… Full? Full and pouty.”
“Kissable?”
“Mm… No. Wouldn’t go that far.”
“Okay. That’s sounding like a 34-b-2.”
“That good or bad?”
“Bad. It’s on a timer, and there are a bunch of failsafes, so we have to be careful.”
“And if it activates?”
“We don’t need to think of that. Just concentrate on what I tell you to do. You have your wire-cutters?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, starting at the wire connected to the left nipple, count four wires clockwise. Can you do that?”
“Could you give that instruction in a less confusing way?”
“No.”
“*Sigh* Okay, found it.”
“Right, snip that wire. How’s your perm?”
“Still good.”
“Great. Now, you need to take your screwdriver and unscrew the groin plate.”
“…Is there a different way to do this?”
“Fine, you baby. Clip the wire on the left cheek, then the right, then slowly remove the WWI fighter helmet.”
“Curse you Red Baron!”
“I make the jokes here. Have you removed the helmet?”
“Yes. Wow, that’s a lot of Brylcreem under that thing.”
“Affirmative. Now, this is important: there should be two wires at the base of the neck: one red, and one green. Once you cut the red wire, you have three seconds to cut the green or it will activate.”
“Three seconds?”
“You can do it! I’ll direct you—just do as I say. Cut the red wire!”
“Gulp. Ok. Cutting red wire… now!”
“Excellent. Now raise your wire cutters and with greatest alacrity you must disrupt the current through the green wire by severing… It’s activating, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s moving, you jackass. It’s sitting up. Should I run?”
“No, just listen to what it has to say about NFTs.”
*Screams. Sound of panicked retreating.*
