Following the success of our quarterly magical-waste or “m-waste” pickups, the Zan’dri City Council is pleased to announce the opening of three regional m-waste management centres. These will allow Zan’dri citizens and residents to organise the disposal of wizardly, spectral, Fae, chthonic, cursed otherworldly and other magical items, at their own convenience.
The safe disposal of magical items has long been a vexed issue. Between the closure of Mount Doom by the Occupational Health and Safety and the passage of the new Road Traffic Laws which limit burial at crossroads, there were few options for safe magical disposal for Zan’dri residents.
Magical items were often treated like garbage, and thrown in the dump. This practice is believed to have led to the rise of the Wererat Empire, and the subsequent Twenty Year War. Following the war this disposal practice was halted–partly because it was deemed unwise, and partly because it was forbidden under the terms of our surrender to the Wererats.
Following the war, many Zan’dri residents began disposing of their magical waste with the same standards of care and hygiene with which they disposed of their excremental waste – which is to say, they threw it out of windows into the gutter. An exploratory committee was formed to determine whether this practice was safe. Since the committee has ventured into the sewers never to be seen again, it seems reasonable to assume that this form of magic disposal is inadvisable.
Following this incident, those members of the Zan’dri Council who had not gone into the pipes were contracted by representatives of Sharkey, Knuckles and Crusher Totally Legitimate Waste Disposal Agency (SK&C). These representatives kindly agreed to accept the city contract for m-waste disposal, and even more kindly agreed to stop hitting us.
Magical items for disposal should be drained of all charges and taken to one of the waste management centres, located at Bowburrow, Kalzak-Du and the Vale of Damnation. Be aware that while the Bowburrow and Kalzak-Du centres will be open every Saturnday from dawn to dusk, the Vale centre will be open only on the first and third Saturnday of odd numbered months, on days without Aldebaran is above the horizon. Council bears no liability for those who go to the Vale centre at other times.
Once at the centre of your choice, please sort the magical items into the bins provided.
Red bins: magic rings.
Green bins: potions.
Yellow bins: magic swords.
Turquoise bins: scrolls.
Burnt umber bins: other magic weapons, not including glaives.
Tangerine bins: magic glaives, not including glaive-guisarmes.
Eau-de-nil bins: items holding some/all of the soul of evil villain.
Hot pink bins: items which are the only power that can destroy a villain/save the kingdom.
Beige bins: all other McGuffins.
Arctic white bins: Items of unimaginable power that seem to cycle through a dozen dimensions before your very eyes, bringing on madness and despair.
Blue bins: clean paper and cardboard.
Please note, it is not necessary to separate rods from staves and/or wands. Simply bundle all of these items in twine and throw them straight into the chipper.
We regret that at present, it is not possible to accept glaive-guisarmes.
What happens next?
After you sort the m-waste into the appropriate bins, employees of SK&C will take care of the next step — shipping. The bins will be taken to a dock and placed aboard a certified m-waste vessel. To save space, all the bins will be poured into a central shipping container. This container is then taken to the magical recycling plants in a country that SK&C Chairman calls: “Some faraway place fulla fuggin’ magic an’ shit an’, like, unicorns. Your magic junk is recycled inna fuggin’ unicorns. You like that, huh? Fuggin’ unicorns. Anyone says we’re dumpin’ it over Kraken Rift is fuggin’ fulluvit. You writin’ this down, egghead? Fulluvit!’
Q: What is m-waste?
A: Seriously? That is literally the first thing we wrote.
Q: Where do I take complaints about the m-waste service?
A: All complaints are to be taken in person to James ‘Lead Pipe Jimmy’ Crusher, c/o SK&C.
A: Yeah, really.
Q: Do dead monsters count as m-waste?
A: While some monsters do have a considerable amount of magic in their bodies, this will usually dissipate within 72 hours, whereupon you can treat the carcass as you would that of any other non-monstrous creature.
Q: Can I dispose of holy items using the m-waste service?
A: The destruction of holy items is a terrible sin that can only result in eternal punishment from the gods. So basically, not our problem. Go nuts!
Q: Do I have to pay for m-waste service?
A: This service is paid for with your city taxes, and you do not need to pay upfront at the disposal centre. Having said that, if any employee of SK&C does ask you for money, we would advise you to comply.
Q: But I’m already broke from the City Cheese Levy!
A: First? Not a question. Second? The cheese levy is necessary to pay reparations to the Wererat Empire. Do you want to go to war with those guys again? Do you? You want a wererat scuttling up your trouser-leg, hotshot? That sound like fun?
Q: Ok, ok. Geeze!
A: Still not a question, genius.