Here’s the draft of my newsletter, Claudia. Once again I must formally protest the fact that this has to be passed by the Commissar for approval before publication – Karl Wintergreen.
Objection noted. Here is the amended draft. Change any of my edits I’ll shut down your newsletter so fast you won’t know what hit you – Claudia Lebeaux.
South Hertling Super Centre Newsletter, 1 June 2016.
Mysterious Accidents Plague Handy Pavilion
By Karl Wintergreen
Mere weeks after the accident out the back of the Handy Pavilion, allegedly caused by the actions of rogue superhero Captain Stellar, but in reality probably caused by a ley-line shift orchestrated by the Trilateral Commission, HP staff and customers have reported a number of serious accidents.
The first such accident involved the collapse of two heavy shelving units, which toppled into each other forming the structure known as a ‘shelf pyramid’, a little known Masonic symbol. Though no one was injured, accident investigators were stumped by the inexplicable nature of the event have yet to make a ruling.
A mere day later, Pavillion staffers Buck Dusty and Andrea Teheinthausand were injured when one of those huge fuck-off a large industrial ceiling fan fell from the ceiling. Mr Dusty was taken to a hospital, while Ms Teheinthausand was taken to the Jerry’s IT Repairs, next to the kebab shop. Since I happened to be nearby purchasing a spanner, I rushed to investigate and found clear possible signs of hacksaw marks on the broken fan. When asked for a statement, Ms Teheinthausand threatened to travel backwards in time and kill me in my crib. declined to comment.
The following day, three HP customers contracted food poisoning, but I think that’s more to do with Belinda’s coffee than any conspiracy [I’d like to believe that this is libel, but realistically I don’t think there’s a jury in the land that would convict you – C]
In addition to this, an electrical fault developed in the motorised scooter of an elderly customer, causing it to accelerate uncontrollably, dumping its rider into a display children’s sandpit that, regrettably, did not contain sufficient sand to soften the impact. The old man claimed to have heard a mocking laugh, shortly before his accident.
I interviewed Ms Shan, the Manager of the Handy Pavilion, but much of my interview will probably be redacted by Claudia Lebeaux, who everyone knows is giving it up to Ms Shen. [How’s that for redaction? – C] Ms Shan claimed that the accidents were a run of bad luck, a statistical blip in what she claims is a very safe shop. I asked about her connection of the Handy Pavilion’s CEO to certain esoteric orders, and she said that she didn’t know. Maybe she does and maybe she doesn’t. Wheels within wheels, man. [You know what? Fuck it. I’m leaving this in, you idiot. You want to look like a fool, go ahead – C] Ms Shan then rolled her eyes, and told me that JFK was shot by cricketing great Tiger Pataudi, but that can’t be true because JFK was stabbed to death by Jackie, and the man killed in Dallas was a double.
Then I got into an argument with Ms Shan, and forgot to ask the rest of my questions.
I asked Mr Smith of DIY Barn about the accidents. He seemed surprised, but claimed that it was a just punishment by Divine Providence upon the wretched and pitiful Handy Pavilion, which would surely be wiped away by the forces of History. He didn’t have any of those biscuits left that I like, though.
What we can say about the Pavilion accidents are that they are definitely no accidents. Something mysterious and ghastly is afoot, and I will get to the bottom of it. The explosion allegedly caused by Captain Stellar was just phase one of a Masonic/Illuminati/Royal Surf Life Saving conspiracy to encoil the entire South Hertling Super Centre into its clutches. [Ok, pulling the plug here. Get a life, Karl! – C]
Kebab Shop Revamp
[Ok, I’ve cut all your crap about One World Governments, and rewritten this completely – C]
Mr Stavros Theoupolos, owner/manager of the Kebab Shop has initiated an ambitious revamp.
“Right now, all I have is a drink fridge, beef and chicken doner kebab cookers and a salad station,” he said. “We’re closing for a week, and when we reopen there will be new chairs, an additional option of lamb kebab, in addition to the existing options, and a deep fry station for chips.”
During the Kebab Shop’s hiatus, it is suggested that Super Centre workers who would like to consume kebabs should bring their own from home.
“You can easily make kebabs at home,” Mr Theoupolos said. “You just need mincemeat, a skewer and a blowtorch.”
The revamped shop will also include an ice-cream freezer and a ten-foot satellite dish on the roof. It will be decorated in a ‘stonemason’s tools’ motif, said Mr Theoupolos, and would host nightly meetings of mysterious robed figures.
[There, isn’t that better? – C]