B.G. Hilton – Writer

Do It Yourself – Chapter 8: The Newsletter

From the South Hertling Super Centre Newsletter February 29th , 2016:

Robbery Nearly Strikes Super Centre

By Karl Wintergreen

Last week, an armoured car was robbed on Wellington Rd, mere moments away from the South Hertling Supercentre. Had it been a mere fifty metres south, the car would have been within the precincts of our beloved Supercentre. This, apparently, would have justified the expense of an additional issue of this newsletter, to write about the exciting crime. But, since it took place a whole fifty metres away, I was unable to write about it until now. Also, I am not allowed to devote the entire issue to the crime, since I still have to make space for that piece about how Place ‘O Pets teamed up with the local high school to raise money for Guide Dogs.

Some of you are probably interested in that crap. Sheeple.

Last week on the day in question, an armoured car servicing the DIY Barn across the street at South Bannerman Mega Centre was robbed in broad daylight. Around ten:17 o’clock in the morning of that day, a water pipe burst, spilling water onto Wellington Road. I was there later to take photos and interview the guy from the water department, who was unable to explicitly prove that the Trilateral Commission was uninvolved saying, quote, “don’t know what you mean, bro,’ end quote new paragraph.

At about a few hours later, the armoured car was barrelling along, unaware of the fate that was in store for it. I didn’t know either, being as I was in the can when the first exciting thing ever happened near here happened. According to NSW Police, the water on the Wellinfton road froze, sending the armoured car into a spin, and blocking traffic on Wellington. Then, two person or people unknown rushed the van, blew the door off with an incendiary device and knocked the already disorientatedted guards out with tasers. They took bags containing approx. 1 (one) (I) metric butload of cash into a car and accelerated away on the traffic-free Wellington Rd.

As I said, I didn’t see this. A police spokesman said this to a bunch of simpering toadies from the “so-called” lamestream media, and I wasn’t even aloud to ask my question, viz, is it true that the NSW Police Force’s has been infiltrated by the MK ULTRA/Illuminati conspiracy and is the commissioner really a reptilian shapeshifter? But that jerk from Channel Seven got to ask his stupid, insipid question about what the getaway car looked like. Pathetic.

At this point I returned to the can (the effect of CIA microwave satellites, or else last night’s curry repeating on me).

Later I asked DIY Barn Operations Manager John Smith about the robbery. He was very nice, and he offered me a cup of instant coffee and a biscuit. I turned down the coffee, because the freeze drying process which is supposed to keep the coffee fresh actually releases psychotropic mind control drugs. Mr Smith said ok, then how about the biscuit? I said that was probably ok.

Mr Smith said that the robbery was the work of criminals who should be brought to justice, which is a good point. He also said that the robbery would not impact on DIY Barn operations. The DIY Barn was too strong to be affected by such nonsense and the DIY Barn would prevail. When they came to write the history of the DIY Barn, they would write of glory, of strength, of victory after victory, and not, NOT this little setback, this pointless little act of cowards and perverts. What was a few dollars to the DIY Barn? What? Did the savages; the filthy, crawling scum behind this dastardly but pointless act think they were even in a position hurt the DIY Barn? If they thought so, they were wrong, sorely wrong. For the DIY Barn would triumph for a thousand years! All the petty thieves in the world should attack it, and they would be crushed, crushed beneath the Barn, as beneath the wheels of mighty Juggernaut!

I said thank you for the biscuits. They were gingernuts.

About two days or so later, give or take, the alleged car used by the robbers allegedly was found by police abandoned in a local creek, possibly Sloane creek. The spokespolice was still refusing to take my calls, but told my friend Rita that enquiries were proceeding and that an announcement would be made soon. He or she did not answer my question about Roswell, because Rita refused to ask it.

Weather today: Cloudy.

Charity for Guide Dogs Not Just Blind Luck!

Students from Local High School teamed up with the Place O’ Pets in order to raise money for the Guide Dog Association. The school kids organised a sponsored pet-wash at their school, in which people brought in their pets and the kids washed them for money. This amount of money was matched by the Place O’ Pets. Asked why they’d chosen to support the Guide Dog Association rather than UFO Abductees for 9/11 Truth, Place O’ Petts CEO was cagey and evasive, in a manner typically associated with the higher degrees of Masonry.

I would of taken a photo of the kids giving a check to the Guide Dog people, but it was just a regular cheque not one of those cool giant checques, so fuck ’em.

Local High School is named after Sir Robert Local, inventor of the self-adhesive envelope. It is also a high school local to this area, a fact that causes more bemusement than confusion.

Next – Chapter 9: The Phial

Previously – Chapter 7: The Diversion

4 thoughts on “Do It Yourself – Chapter 8: The Newsletter

  1. One spelling mistake I noticed:
    I wasn’t even aloud to ask my question

    Also, I just wanted to mention I’ve been really enjoying all the characters; it’s a blast reading from all their perspectives. I usually don’t like perspective shifts but it totally works here (at least when you read the chapters one after the other).

  2. Thanks very much! I love POV shifts and I’m glad mine are working for you. Thanks for the feedback. As for the typo, I can’t remember if was accidental or if I put it in deliberately as an example of Karl’s incompetence. Either way, I think I’ll leave it there.

  3. Hilarious. CIA microwave satellites puts me in mind of the Russian microwave weapons currently attacking the CIA and American diplomats. Sir Robert Local is absolute genius. If we don’t get “Local football team” later in the novel I’ll be sorely disappointed.

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