Explosion rocks Megacenter
By Harmony Sunshine, owner/manager EarthLife Health Store
Greetings! Unfortunately, Karl Wintergreen who usually makes the newsletter is still in hospital. I hope we are all sending our best thoughts and healing energy to him to help in his recovery. Hopefully, now that he is away from the hateful meat fumes from the kebab shop, he will be able to gather the necessary positivity he needs to actualise his own inner health, projecting it on his broken body. Until he gets back, I'm sharing newsletter duties with Barry from the other health supplement store, the one with all of the big jars of whey powder and what have you.
Anyway, there was a big explosion at the South Bannerman Megacentre across the street, you know, where that park used to be, back in the day. The DIY Barn over there was doing its best to deny rain to the soil by extending its carpark, when an asphalt spreader exploded, like the very planet itself was fighting back. The so-called 'incident' – if you can even call it that – happened when the workers were on one of the few work-breaks that bloody Abbott von Turnbull hasn't abolished.
Work has been set back on the DIY Barn carpark by weeks at least, though in planetary terms that's just a blink of an eye. An eyewitness (ie, me) was smoking what, in a just world, would have been a perfectly legal substance, round between Carpets! Carpets! Carpets! and the Gulf of Carpet-eria when the explosion took place, and saw a geyser of asphalt rise up from over the roof of the Place O'Pets.
After crossing the road, I found a scene of confusion at the site of the alleged supposed explosion. When my attempt at restoring order through Tibetan chanting was rebuffed I said, "Okay, whatever," and stood back and watched them try to put out fires on the parking lot making machines and shit.
Remembering that I was meant to do the newsletter this week, I decided to talk to the head of the DIY Barn, Mr Smith, who said "My car! My car! How did all this asphalt land only on my car?" Clearly, the Earth Mother was targeting his karma, but he didn't get it. He was screaming something incomprehensible at the Handy Pavilion, and then he threw his hat at the ground and stamped on it like he was a sheriff in that movie with the truck. If he keeps getting that angry, it will seriously disturb his Chi.
Pigs Police are treating the explosion as 'sus', but have ruled out terrorism. "We are looking into the matter," said Detective Sergeant Badvibeson Babbington. "We are particularly interested in how that guy's car got totaled. I mean, I think that stuff that gets tar off of tires only comes in small bottles right? And it costs a f-ing fortune anyway. By the time the owner of this car gets it tar free, he'll have bought so much of that shit he might as well buy a new car. Oh, and our investigations are proceeding, yadda yadda.
"As a personal aside," he added, "this is not what I expected when I joined the police. Could someone please just rob a bank, so I can chase them? Thank you."
I attempted to speak with DIY Barn's head of security, but he just pointed at me and screamed wordlessly. After five minutes of this, I wandered off to calm my nerves with a bee pollen enema.
Temporary Alterations to Traffic in Hurley Road
By Barry Wilberforce
Oh yeah! South Hertling Council reports that it will be blasting the traffic lights on the corner of Hurley Rd and Crowe St! The current weak lights will be replaced by three tonnes of hard, solid roundabout.
"Traffic in the vicinity of the South Hertling Supercentre has been too puny!" is something similar to what that council said. "Seriously, it was time for that intersection to step up and get real!"
Since the massive increase of traffic to the Supercenter (and its wussbag neighbouring megacenter), the weary old traffic lights have become as useless as a ten kilo dumbbell to a real man. The fact that they're as weak as some sunken-chested OH&S-lover has not gone unnoticed to Supercentre customers.
"Those lights suck, dude," said the first customer I spoke to with a respectable BMI. "A new roundabout will put hairs on that intersection's chest, then immediately wax them off."
Disruption to Supercentre traffic is projected to be minimal! Way to go South Hertling Council! Keep pushing that envelope! I'm sure we'll all be crying ourselves to sleep in our weird smelling apartments in the knowledge that you're on the job!
Other Supercenter Newsletter News in this Newsletter:
Just Desks! Customer Already Dreading Assembling Purchase
Gift Certificate Mislaid
We Review the Three Four New Carpet Shops to Open in 2017
Report: 90% of Storage Universe Purchases Used to Store Other Storage Universe Products
Weird Looking Teenager Stands Outside Guitar Shop, Considering Options